What the heck? Originally this article was going to be about what a dumb little Gryffindor Archie Andrews (KJ Apa) is, pleading guilty to a crime he didn’t commit after a hung jury just so his family didn’t have to go through a trial again, and then the last two minutes of the premiere happened. After Dilton (Major Curda) had tried desperately to convince Jughead (Cole Sprouse) that “the gargoyle king” was real, Jughead ventured out into the woods to find Dilton and his friend Ben kneeling in the forest at the base of some kind of shrine, shirtless, with symbols carved into their backs. They woke up, but then were puking something green. When last we left them, Jughead was yelling for help.
Meanwhile, all episode we had been learning about what’s been up with Betty this summer. She had been faking trips to a psychiatrist and forging prescriptions for Adderall as she helped Archie restore the jalopy and helped Mary (Molly Ringwald) with Archie’s legal case (because his mom was his lawyer obviously). At the very end of the episode, Betty (Lili Reinhart) walked into her backyard to discover some kind of ritual with her mother (Madchen Amick) and Polly (Tiera Skovbye) at the center, holding the twins in the air above a fire. Betty then watched as they dropped the twins, and the twins floated up into the air, and then Betty passed out and had a seizure. That immediately sent us off googling Adderall and seizures, which is how we learned that seizures and hallucinations can be a very rare side effect of the drug, especially if it’s mixed with something like a Xanax. So there’s that! Unless those babies can actually fly. As for the cult stuff, it’s tough to tell if we should assume the Gargoyle King cult and the Farm cult are the same cult, but how many cults could Riverdale really have going on at one time? Whatever’s up, we are on board for this True Detective season one situation.
Elsewhere, because we can’t ignore him, Archie pleaded guilty and took a deal for time in juvy after the jury was deadlocked, just because he didn’t want his family to go through another trial. So while Veronica was confronting her father, Jughead was finding a potential sacrifice and Betty was having a seizure, Archie was on a bus to prison. In much more fun news, all the main couples are still doing fine and gettin’ sexy, canoodling in watering holes and such. Cheryl (Madelaine Petsch) and Toni (Vanesa Morgan) spent their summer on a cross-country motorcycle ride, and now Cheryl is basically the Green Arrow, but red, and we’ve never been more ready for anything in our lives. Welcome back, you bonkers show! Riverdale airs Wednesdays at 8 p.m. on the CW.